Saturday, January 2, 2010

My Sexual Magnetisim Keeps Me Toasty

It's cold. Really cold . The kind of cold that threatens you with a knife and takes your wallet.

It's the this time of year I have to go over my "I don't want to freeze to death" options.

MITTENS: Forget it. I've angered the glove goblins and my chances of keeping a pair intact run from NIL to ZERO. I've owned every variety over the years: Hobo Gloves, Thumb Mutants and Five Finger Chokers. It doesn't matter how well they fit, I will lose one.

FEET COVERINGS: Wet socks are not the fashion statement they used to be. I found battered boots in my closet and slipped into them (with great difficulty) The back is completely bent from constant attempts at at slipping into them without untying the laces. Their shelf life may be incredibly limited.

CHEST WARMERS: For the last month I've been wearing the inside of a winter jacket under a hoodie. It kept me warm, but looked like I had rolled out of an alleyway after a long night of drinking and garbage gathering. Everyone would give me a crooked look and ask in a sad poor-boy voice "Aren't you cold young man?". For Christmas I go an "Adult" garment to keep my above the waist are toasty warm. It's a black cotton number that goes past my waist and has an inside zipper and a button up design on the outside to be asthetically pleasing. It makes me look like I've jumped on the British pop band-wagon. I've seen twelve people wearing the exact same thing. Finally, I fit in. Forget about the ripped up ski jacket I wore for five straight years, now I can finally be one of the masses. It loses points for not having a hood.

PANTS: Usually jeans. I can't quite find the strength to slip into underthings on a daily basis. My legs will have to face the elements. My testicles have already pulled inward and began their seasonal hibernation.

HATS: The devil's bargain: A cheap hat will keep me warm, I only need to keep track of one, and no matter what kind I wear I'll look like an idiot. Hats and me mix like fire and orphans. They don't get along. Thankfully, I look like an idiot in almost all the clothes I wear, so when the days get real cold I may bite my tongue and go for it.

MYSTERY BONUS ROUND: The hoodie. It keeps me extra warm under my coat and I can cover my head with it.

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