Tuesday, July 27, 2010


I never need to see Gene Simmon’s breasts ever again.

John Stamos stars as Lance Star Grove – gymnast, martial arts master, skilled lover. His life is turned upside down when his James Bond-ish father (Ex- James Bond George Lazenby) is killed by a hermaphrodite leader of a post apocalyptic gang (Gene Simmons!). Stamos goes on a mission to figure find out the truth, have a ridiculous sex scene with Vanity, and blow away a dozen Road Warrior henchmen.

Yea, that’s exactly what it is.

There’s nothing particularly ‘good’ about NEVER TOO YOUNG. In fact, expert scientific testimony decla8, it’s ALL BAD. Really Really bad. The story makes zero sense; the direction is flat, and the never ending stream of jokes mind meltingly stupid. Everyone scrapes the bottom of the barrel. Gene Simmons channelling Rocky Horror’s Tim Curry is not a very pleasant sight. Vanity doesn’t even seem to be acting, just reading off cue cards as someone holds a gun to a small child off-camera (Her motivation!). Stamos is the only really fun actor, Even with all this bad...bad...stuff...The film is never...ever... boring. In fact, I’d highly recommend it for a pure blast of putrid fun! It’s the kind of bad that transcends horribleness and becomes a laugh riot to sit through. The tone 80’s comic book tone is perfect, and the weirdly over the top violence is the icing on the cake. It’s the kind of film that has no discernible audience other than Stamos lovers and masochists. Stupidly imaginative, the best description was given by a friend of mine: ‘It’s like the retarded action packed step cousin of Buckaroo Banzai.”


Who the hell thought up the bonkers title for this film? It sounds more like the story of a serial killer (Perhaps religious fueled?) that's going around murdering kiddies.

No comments:

Post a Comment