Friday, March 12, 2010
Predator 2 (USA. 1990)
A Conversation Between Two High Ranking Studio Executives Detailing the Conceptualization of Predator 2
INT. EXECUTIVE HOTEL ROOM.
Both Executives are wearing matching suits and ties. A mysterious pile of white powder sits on their table. It's a few feet high. The First Executive eyes are bloodshot red, his eyes are unnaturally wide and a crazed smile is frozen on his face. The Second Executive sits calmly. Two hours ago, he strangled his wife with a bike chain.
"The first Predator was hit! Lets make a sequel that's TWICE AS GOOD. The first one was set in the jungle. What's a step up from that?"
"No. No. No. That's for Part Four. Lets set in in the city OF THE FUTURE OF THE YEAR 1997!"
"People love the things with laser sights on them."
"But everything else will be the same."
"We can't get Arnold back."
"No problem. We'll get the next best thing: A tired,, overweight, endlessly mumbling Danny Glover."
"He should be really sweaty. The fans love seeing their heroes sweaty. "
"It's the future, so obviously, the city will be in a HEAT WAVE!"
"*sniff* We need a director. Someone with cred."
"How about the guy that did NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET FIVE: THE DREAM CHILD!"
"BRILLIANT BEEZEWHACKS!! He'll bring the super energetic 80's over the top style. Lots of whip pans, completely unnecessary tracking shots and crazy music video angles! If we're lucky he'll craft a climax that never FREAKING ENDS!"
Snort! Sputter! Blood falls from the Second Executives nose and splatters across the table.
"Dammit. I'm going to have to get another injection."
"What about the rest of the cast?"
"Well, we have to have that pock faced actor Robert Davi, it's illegal to make a film without him in the 80's. Oh, and Gary Busey, Bill Paxton and Adam Baldwin."
"People complained not enough people died in the first one."
"No problems. We'll have everyone killing a bunch of evil Jamaicans. Lots of decapitations, skin peeling and body blow ups. Shit. I'm cumming already."
The First Executive pulls off his pants and makes a not to get them cleaned.
"What about the Predator?"
"What about him? He's in it. You know how people liked it when they saw his face? Lets have him go mask-less for the entire climax! I think that we need to remove the mystique of the character and make him a flat out creature without any real mystery or menace."
"Is there going to be any substance?"
"No, like characters you can care about or emotional involvement..."
"FUCK THAT BITCH!"
They fuck that bitch. She takes their money and leaves.
"Substance is hard. We'll fill the film with tons of excess: Violence, nudity (full frontal!), and lots of colored gels to confuse the audience that it's not really a 'good' movie per say, but it is enjoyable on all the part of a healthy bad movie diet."
"That...kind of works...I guess?"
"I KNOW! IT'S BRILLIANT! I'M GOING TO BE RUNNING THE STUDIO FOREVER"
They both laugh and roll around in their piles of 1000$ dollar bills. Naked.