"At least you're surviving" my friend said as I figured out the knot

WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS?

I speak clearly. I learn quickly. I'm a problem solver. I do well under pressure. I can type like a bolt of lighting. Graduated high school and college: I'm quite certain I'm not a drooling idiot.

I can perform your menial job.

That's all you need to know when hiring me. You can write “Must have this many years of experience...” but you know the statement has no weight. I can learn everything about your job in fifteen minutes. Your criterias are overinflated delusions to make yourself feel better about your current place in the world.

Not that it matters. Your going to give the position to your uncle's daughters second half brother twice removed who's twenty seven, has been studying general arts for eight years, still lives with his parents, and gets a weekly allowance. The over-privileged little fellow needs to be taught responsibility somehow.

WHAT KIND OF JOB DO YOU WANT?

The kind that allows me to eat and sleep in a place that protects me from the elements.

WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN FIVE YEARS?

Not dead.

I want to be able to use my skills in an environment I find creatively constructive. I want to teach people about movies and books. I want to live off the things I want to make. I want to write and talk about things that make me so excited I can't help but break down into enthused dance.

I want.

Your office/temp/fuck me/juggling job is a stop gap. I can pretend that I want to sit in front of a computer rest for the rest of my life in a suit and tie worrying about customer reports. I would be lying. You're the piggy bank I have to babysit to live till the sky turns blue.

WHY DON'T YOU DO WHAT YOU LIKE? YOU SEEM PRETTY FALSELY CONFIDENT


I'm not THAT smart.

I didn't do well in school.

I don't know the right people .

The opportunity has...

Gone.

Left.

Evaporated.


The only thing that can get me through the day is the chance. The day that I bump into someone that is intrigued by what I'm reading.

“You like forms of entertainment?” he/she/it asks.

“Yes. Quite a bit.” I respond. “I write about it competently regularly on the internet and talk about it at length on a daily basis. I dabble in creating these forms of entertainment as well.”

“I would like to hire you to write/research/talk about these things that you enjoy” the thing says “I will pay you enough money to eat and live. Do you accept my offer?

“I do with great aplomb” I say.

We both walk away into the beautiful setting sun.

***

I don't buy lottery tickets because I think it's a waste of time, yet this thought runs through my mind on a regular basis. The fool is here and ready to take your calls.

***

Now give me your damn monkey job.

I'll say it with a smile if you'd like.

I'm really a nice guy.

Can I not sleep for another hour before it all becomes clear?

Two men grooming themselves in their shared bathroom is not suspect. It is born out of early morning desperation. We have places to be!

It is also a danger to ones perceived reality of the physical realm.

Case in point.

“That's nasty” Ethan said as he pointed at the offending object “When was the last time you cleaned it?”

On the lip of the sink, my bright blue toothbrush lay in a crusty carapace of its own excrement.

The doors of the world opened. Bitter understanding burst from my eyes. I couldn't breathe.

“I don't know.”

I poked my tooth cleaner experimentally. It didn't explode. Bad sign. The coating of dried orange goo (citrus flavored) didn't budge.

“Usually I'm out of it when I run it across my precious chompers. I never realized the poor thing was in such a sorry state”

I took a deep labored breath.

“I can never brush my teeth again.”

“Just clean it”

“It's too late now. I will always know deep down that it has lain in its own filth for months without witness. It is the victim. I am the torturer. The scars may be invisible, but they still go deep."

“You're retarded.” He spit into the bathtub. Weird habit.

“The only solution is to give up the practice of oral hygiene. It shall be my cross to bear for my sins."

“Your teeth would go all nasty.” Ethan has sparkly white teeth that have a habit of blinding children and small animals.

“Teeth are one of the first thing people use as a weapon to judge strangers. Brown means you're a smoker, a fool, and you should not be trusted. Rotten teeth means you're irresponsible with your food consummation and that you're not to be trusted. This is a sign. I must escape this vicious circle.”

“Buy another toothbrush. They're a dollar.”

Ethan flossed. No one flosses. This makes him mentally unstable.

“The outside is a big scary place. There's an easier answers. Do you own a hammer?”

“You're not knocking out your teeth.”

"Spoil sport."

I fell heavily on top of the fuzzy toilet seat.

“What does it all mean? I thought I knew. I thought I held it in my grasp. It's all gone now. Turned to icky bits of sticky slime that we're in front of me all along, but I chose not to see the truth."

Ethan, perfectly groomed, cocked an eyebrow.

“You could use mouthwash.”

“Well....That makes sense."

So I did. All my problems went away. The next day I bought a toothbrush. It was green.

I threw the other one away.

Bored and Depressed

The title says it all when it comes to the reason this place hasn't been updated. My lack of money, the end of school, and the need to pay rent have weighed heavy on my soul in a way that hasn't made me want to run out and experience the magic of the world. I've sat around starring at the wall as the hours bleed away. At most points, I lie down and fall asleep. Later on, I wake up. Rinse and repeat.

Exciting?

Me Write Normal Talk: Why do I capitalize/use little dots?

I'm not a Nazi garbed whip wielding grammarian. I don't care if your writing is dictionary perfect, grammatically sound or perfectly conjugated. I don't eat babies in a rage because you used “Your” in the wrong context...*wink wink* After all, I can barely type a coherent sentences!

Yet, I still use Capitals Letters and Punctuation.

“why”

It makes things sound...It makes things....sound better.

“im confoosed what r u talking but”

if type like this all the time it reminds me of someone speaking in emotionless monotone no expression no pauses in speech just one long run on sentence that trails off into oblivion

Dialogue is not only about what you say, but about meaning through inflection and pattern.

I'M SCREAMING. I. Could. Be. Pissed. Orimtalkingreallyfastbecau

sethatsthegag.

It's gimmicks to be sure – but the basic idea remains:

If I type stuff out normally, with a vague use of commas, capitals and periods, the flow of dialogue feels more natural, more human. I can see the intentions behind the words instead of just seeing them hang there lifeless. Is it really that hard to reach over and hit the SHIFT key to make something bigger or strike the little key on the bottom right of your keyboard to allow me to know you ended a thought?

'that is so stupid use your imagination why are you so stuck up?'

Am I missing something completely here? Is the lack of structure a rebellion against preconceived notions of world order? Big brother tells you your entire life that you NEED to write THIS WAY and the internet allows the opportunity to drop all those stodgy rules and stick to the most basic forms of communication. The rule less individual as the rebellious anarchist.

“stop being a big baby lol'

Yea.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm just stuck up.

GODDAMIT! I JUST WANT TO TALK TO A REAL PERSON! NOT SOME EMOTIONLESS FUCKING ROBOT THAT WONT TAKE HALF A SECOND TO SOUND HUMAN!

You may now torture me at your leisure.

'lol lol lol fuk yu'

"I'm out of Web Fluid!" and other reasons why he's the best super-hero

A few days ago I trapped a defenseless young damsel in the corner of a comic store and attacked her with a question of dire importance:

"Who's your favorite Super-Hero?"

She looked around the piles of nerdity as if the answer lay within the 500$ buck naked beast limited edition bust.

"Well...I...Um..." she said

"The answer is Spider-Man"

"Really?" she said disbelievingly.

I bet you're disagreeing with me right now.

For the sake of brevity, I'll tackle the wall crawler's two biggest contenders in the solo super biz. Forget the team based titles.

Superman is THE Super-Hero. He can do anything. He only has one weakness. He is a god. This leads to a lot of interesting meditations on the impossibility of helping everyone that needs it, but that's not enough to keep my interest. If you have everything, life becomes dull. He's the Super-Hero you would WANT to be, but not the one you want to watch. It's like playing a video game on GOD mode - fun for five minutes - and then tedious.

Batman is the super athletic, super rich, super smart, super everything BUT he doesn't have any super-powers. That's what makes him cool. He could be me or you!

Doesn't mean I want to hang out with him.

Batman is like that kids in school that has everything: Good at sports, scores tests well above everyone else, and is anti-social to boot. I appreciate the guy, but he's so goddamn dour I stopped inviting him to parties in the 11th grade. Yea, sure, he knows how to defeat Superman, bravo for him! How am I supposed to relate to the guy if we have nothing in common at all? He's a sociopath that's so bent on achieving his mission he's no damn fun.

"An that's why those two characters CAN'T be the best"

The girl raised an dangerously inquisitive eyebrow.

"So what makes everyone's favorite neighborhood web-head so hot?" she said.

Spider-Man is the everyman super-hero. He's smart, but he's never arrogant about it. He makes mistakes and is continually trying to juggle all his responsibility versus having to defeat Dock Ock at the Science fair. Batman has no pressing responsibility other than looking rich. Neither does Superman (Other than the "Being so powerful is hard!" routine).

Peter Parker was never the cool kid. He was the nerd who could talk back, but usually kept to himself. He has difficulty paying the bills (as a photographer) and he's constantly swearing that he's going to quit being Spider-Man.

But he can't.
He doesn't fight crime out of spite, even though his Uncle was killed by a robber, but out of the fact that if he can help, he must. "With great power with great responsibility" is repeated continually and it's moral quandry that Spidey deals with all the time.

Spider-Man has super-powers, but they're based within the preset limits of basic physics. If he's not careful he will get hurt. He's strong, but not super-strong, he can be cut. He's warned of danger, but it's not a foolproof system. He can figure something out, but it won't be arrogantly kept under wraps Sherlock Holmes style till the last possible second. Spider-Man's powers give him leeway that Batman does not have.

Most importantly: Spider-Man has a sense of humor about what he does. He talks NON-STOP when he fights. Some of it is funny, some of it is annoying, but it's what makes him easy to relate too. He's scared when he fights and the only thing that keeps him sane is by being a chatterbox. It drives the villains nuts, but makes him a super-hero that seems human.

Everyone gets something different out of the cape crowd. Some people just want to see impossible four color fights with zero depth. Others want to feel smart with a character that achieves so much through hard work and skill. I personally enjoy Super-Heroes that are human, but still have powers that affect their daily life. Spider-Man gives me the raw action I want coupled with enough humanity to keep me coming back.

I like Superman, I like Batman, but I love Spider-Man.

"I still don't buy it" the girl said "You bring up a lot of points, but what about Wolverine. HE IS, LIKE THE COOLEST GUY EVER! He has these wicked claws, and he's an ANTI-HERO and..."

I didn't know I could run so fast.

NOTE: For me, the definitive incarnation of Spider-Man's is original run by Steve Ditko and Stan Lee. Everything I've discussed above can be found in that collection of amazing fantasy. While I like elements of the film version of Spider-Man (especially the second one) I still have a lot of beefs: Tobey Maguire has zero charmisma as Peter Parker. Where did the humor and Spider wit go? Organic web-shooters is good for a gag, but cuts down the dramatic device of using his web. Cartoon wise, ditch the Ralph Bakshi one frame a second version and check out Fox Kids SPIDER-MAN and the brilliant THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER MAN cartoon.