Seeing Other People - FILM

A stylish little anti-romantic comedy written and directed by Wallace Wolordarsky. The man who made the fun low key hit man black comedy COLD BLOODED and was a show runner on The Simpsons back in its glory days.

Starring THAT GUY YOU KNOW BUT DON'T REALLY KNOW (You know - Jay Morh) and THAT GIRL FROM TV (Julianne Nicholson), it's the story of a justabouttobe married couple that decide to try sleeping with other people before they settle down. It won't be a problem because it's meaningless naked play!

Right?

Obviously, it leads to all manners of dryly funny complex emotional conundrums. The running time coasts on the actor's charisma and a fun supporting cast (I LOVE YOU ANDY RICHTER!). The script poses a lot of questions about fidelity and commitment, but doesn't even try to deliver any answers. It's complicated. Leave it at that and enjoy the episodic chuckle worthy ride.

I don't know if I'm willing to watch Wolordarsky's opus SORORITY BOYS yet. Do I hate myself that much yet?

Cannibal Apocalypse (1980) - FILM

I finally got my goofy city-set man munching fun.

Hmmmmmm.

I hope no one takes that out of context.

Anyway, clap your hands and say ARGH!, because you're free of that "The film start in NEW YORK for five unrelated minutes before setting the rest of the bore trip in the jungles of someone's backyard."bullshit.

It's all about eating people out in public places.

Shit. I did it again.

The always reliable John Saxon (Enter The Dragon) stars as a troubled Vietnam vet suffering a little post war shake up. He was bitten by a P.O.W back in the jungle and now he can't shake off the uncontrollable hunger pangs for a little raw red meat. Saxon not only has to fight off the meat munching urges, but his two former army buddies are released from the loony bins and are on the move for a snack.

Bite! Bite! Bite!

Director Antonio Margheretti has forced out quite a few turd (Yor!) but he shows here that even with the flimsiest material he knows where to place the camera to make it feel like a proper film. No Jess Franco shoot where the camera lands work here folks. The actual carnage is bloody, but rather subdued and infrequent, it's the kind of picture that's front and back loaded with the groovy gore. The middle portion is all talk with a few chomping scenes thrown in at infrequent intervals. Thankfully, it never drags and the proceedings jog along at a brisk pace. The ending should ramp up to a fierce Cannibal packed climax, but it slowly unravels till it sputters to a "THE END?" final shot telegraphed miles away. The zombie-ish transferrable Cannibal Curse is potent material that's played here on much to small a scale.

Fun stuff old school stuff that misses the mark from a pure exploitative content standpoint. It's perfectly content to give it's stoopid try. I want more modern day set Cannibal On The Run films!

Contamination (1980) Burial Ground (1980) - FILM

CONTAMINATION

Contamination is a slow paced Alien rip-off that has a few impressive slow motion chest bursting scenes and...Yea....Moving on.

It has something to do with some astronauts bringing killer eggs that spit explosively violent liquid - that you know - causes you to explode. The cast lipsynch woodenly as they stare at the clock and count the cans of bean they'll be able to buy with their shame money. There's no ALIEN to speak of until the final reel (and even then it remains motionless). If you really want to see this, as it's considered an Italian Horror Classic (Really?) than watch the first fifteen minutes and skip to the last ten. Trust me. You won't have missed anything.

BURIAL GROUND

It's a rip-off of a rip-off!

A bunch of brain dead Italian folk hang around at aVilla and wait to be munched on by the undead. "Hey Guys! Lets shoot at my uncles place this weekend!" the director said. Our gang of lunkheads face off against a bunch of incredibly slow movie zombies wearing dime store Halloween masks. The zombies must have some kind of hypnotic freeze ray because our 'heroes' stand stock still for a solid five minutes as they face the shambling horde that are two guys in hobo sacks. We know to be scared because there's lots of crash zooms on terrified eyes, open mouths and...well...more terrified eyes. When the zombies finally do get their hands on the humans they proceed to strangle, nail hands and cut off heads with really sharp scythe. These maggot bags mean business! They just do it very slowly. Just like this movie!

There's some kind of theme at play here.

The creepiest thing of the entire picture is supposedly a young man played by a middle aged midget that looks like Dario Argento!

That Little Monster (1994) - FILM

THAT LITTLE MONSTER has some neat visual ideas up its sleeve but FAILS MISERABLY AT EVERYTHING ELSE. It's a bloated short that smothers itself to death. The story is a tired rehash of Larry "Killer Baby" Cohen's IT'S ALIVE without any of the fun, the characters are uninteresting and the pacing drags along like your eyes against a cheese grinder. Don't even get me on the pointless twist that sits right in the middle of the room. You know you're in trouble when Reggie "Phantasm" Bannister is best actor of the bunch. I can tell that director Paul Bunell has some "WICKED FREAKING SHOTS" he wants to pull off, and he does splendidly, but he should pay a little attention to actually making it an enjoyable experience.

DUNCAN IS...

He's smart, handsome, and he obviously works out. His sultry eyes sees all your secrets and he

understands all your problems. He's Duncan Balthazar Bruce or "Dunk" to his friends, and really, we're all his friends at the end of the day.

His wife wakes up every day and thanks to the stars for her good fortunes. His two beautiful children can already read at a 11th grade level and they're ONLY 11 months and 5 years old respectively.

His name is Duncan. Your welcome.

Seven 2 One (2009) - FILM

Why do I always hold out hope for film by the Pang Brothers?

Originally editors (Infernal Affairs), the brotherly directorial duo crashed on the screen with THE EYE and BANKOK DANGEROUS and have continued to create empty style over substance since. Sometimes they are decent (Oxyde's THE DETECTIVE) and sometimes terrible (Forest of Death, Nic Cage's Bankok Dangerous, The Messengers)

Yet, still, I stay optimistic.

The styalistic hook of SEVEN 2 ONE is that we're going to see a robbery from seven points of view. We're introduced a character and we get the back story of how they got to this point. What dark secrets will be reveled? Is everyone who they seem? Is there any point? Well, not really. It all looks nice and shiny, but there's no point to any of it. You'll have guessed any 'twist' (and there really isn't one) within the first twenty minutes. All the characters are wildly unlikable so I didn't care a bit what happened to any of them. the entire thing ends with a SCRUBS style montage of everyone's fate as a canto-pop star struggles on the soundtrack with an expurging English song.

Skip it.

Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie - NEEDS COMMENTARY

LISTEN TO THE MAGIC HERE:

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Adam "RIOT" Thorn and Justin Decloux (He's too good for a middle name) record full commentaries for films they have NOTHING TO DO WITH! They don't even particularly like most of them, but in their humble opinion they NEEDED COMMENTARY!

Check back every Monday for a new commentary track by two battled hardened pros that will share the most in-depth technical info, behind the scenes wonders and savy street smart advice to their loving listening audience.

Oh, to be honest, they usually do zero research, eat potato chips right in the mike and spend the rest of the time arguing about what's going to happen next.

Play the sound file and watch the movie at the same time. It's like we were right there with you! PLEASE! Make sure your have a plate of nachos ready! Otherwise, Justin can get violent.

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